#izztakbolehmoveon

#izztakbolehmoveon.

sebab dah bertahun tak jumpa lepas tinggalkan uitm kuantan. dan bila jumpa, tak ada satu pun yang berubah. masih lagi rasa macam hari itu hari hujung minggu dan isnin depan kita akan masih pening kepala nak siapkan assignment dr j :(

i would give anything and trade everything... just to have them by my side once again.

how well you live without us, kuantan and seremban? :)

i am so sorry for being this kind of pathetic girl... who miss you like seriously i can die just because of missing you and your people... kuantan. T_T

immortal? no.

walaupun aku bukanlah jenis orang yang positif (yang boleh keep calm without fikir what if, if and only if) tapi aku bukanlah mudah nak jatuh ke tahap negativiti yang paling dalam. selalunya skala negatif tu yang sederhana akan selalu berlegar-legar so macam it was not a big deal. biasalah, what to expect when you are expecting kan?

aku ingat lagi.

as if hari ini exam legal skills and i would say alhamdulillah sebab macam okay lah boleh goreng lagi. esoknya contract law. that was the worst part ever. kena hafal, hafal, dan hafal. untuk exam esok pagi. nasib baik notes semua dah siapkan awal-awal. tapi, dalam pada dah siap tu, nak hafal tu ya allah ya allah apa ni.

lepas midnight, aku dah blur terus. aku pun tak ingat tidur jam berapa but it was a nightmare. paginya aku hafal lagi but that feeling yang, oh aku tak boleh jawab nanti ni. everyone has that instinct kan. tapi aku still paksa jugak hafal, contrary to yang aku actually memang dah mess up. total mess up.

it turned out, maybe 20% je aku boleh jawab? haha. aku tak tahu la orang lain since soalan tu memang susah. but tu bukan alasan la kan nak cakap oh takpe maybe orang lain tak boleh jawab jugak. it was a nightmare dressed up like a daydream. ceh.

exam law, bila kau ada masa nak mengantuk nak menguap nak main pen nak tengok kiri-kanan nak termenung sebab fikir apa lagi nak tulis, then you totally screwed! (that was me) it should be, you suppose to jot down non stop because you actually have too much things to list on. and you have nothing to write.... argh, just get ready to be punished with death sentence. because you already dead. (that was me, again) aku tak ingat acts. aku tak ingat cases. aku tak ingat facts. (just kill me, kill me right away)

bila keluar dewan tu, tak sedih. tapi dah jauh kepada kecewa yang paling dalam yang terlalu dalam. pergi beli aiskrim dan aku jalan sorang-sorang. tak peduli dah orang lain.

lepas tu nani tegur, nani cakap... "izz, tenangkan hati ya? makan aiskrim.."

nani senyum.
aku cakap, "nani... kita tak boleh jawab"

nani senyum lagi,
nani cakap.. "takpe izz. awak dah buat yang terbaik. sangka baik dengan allah. allah pasti tolong."

and then aku pun macam, sobs nak kesat air mata. nani ni memang positif. dah la baik melampau. jadi bila aku balik bilik, aku tak buat apa-apa pun. memang kecewa paling dalam dari hati, memang sangat-sangat kecewa. aku pun tak tahu aku kecewa pada siapa. tapi kecewa ini, cukup buat aku untuk tak buat apa-apa. memang berselebung bawah selimut la sampai ke petang. haha. makan pun tak. hari itu, aku makan aiskrim lepas exam je. seharian. kecewa sampai tak lapar. aneh haha. macam mana perasaan kecewa tu boleh mengatasi kelaparan?

lepas tu aku call acube. macam biasalah. nak nangis je call budak tu haha mungkin sebab kat uitm dulu dia yang selalu pujuk aku masa aku sedih haha. aku ingat lagi masa asasi. aku sedih sampai ponteng kelas petang tu. alasan. sedih ke malas. sedih la. lepas tu duk kacau acube yang tengah kelas. oh, dia budak tesl. haaa, lepas habis kelas tu bergegas dia balik bilik nak tengok perangai aku. -___- lepas tu pujuk-pujuk buat aku gelak. gila punya orang.

pernah jugak, aku hempas pintu masa nak pergi kelas sebab gaduh dengan roommate aku yang sorang lagi. walaupun masa tu aku dengan acube je ada kat rumah. acube pun terkebil-kebil je lepas tu dia sambung makan haha dasar gendut dia jugak la yang tolong jadi mediator aku dengan roommate sorang lagi.

klimaks cengeng kami, bila dah habis final exam semester dua. budak tesl habis dalam seminggu awal kot daripada budak law. ke tiga empat hari macam tu. acube dah janji nak balik lambat. nak tunggu kami habis exam. tapi, ada satu malam tu.. dia cakap kena balik awal sebab ye lah kita merancang je kan tapi kena fikir jugak mak ayah apa semua kerja apa semua. dia pun tak nak tapi terpaksa. haha malam tu aku mengamuk gila-gila kat dia. that kind of merengek, tarik baju, sepak, jerit, guling-guling haha kat ruang tamu. faham tak uitm kuantan tu macam famili? lepas tu bebudak ni duk pujuk la, duk sengih la, macam-macam. riuh aje rumah.

lusanya acube balik. aku tak pandang pun dia. masa dia angkat barang, aku duduk je. lepas tu menangis macam orang gila. siap tak nak salam tak nak peluk lagi. haha dah la buat perangai depan mak ayah dia tak nak bagi acube balik. housemates yang lain semua suruh behave dulu. tapi, tak boleh :( mata dah bengkak. lepas tu masa acube dalam kereta, dia pulak yang menangis macam orang gila sebab it was so hard to leave the place we used to call home kan? kuantan was our second home. and the fact yang kami takkan mungkin kembali lagi pada uitm kuantan, buat hati pecah derai. *nangis*

so, bila acube dah tak ada kat sisi sekarang... takde dah nak mengamuk nak jerit-jerit macam orang gila haha i miss those days back in kuantan. family kat situ..... :'( macam adik beradik. gaduh sedih marah semua buat lek ajeeeee hahaha lepas tu bahagia balik. budak-budak betul perangai masing-masing. despite of flaws and imperfection after all....

but now, kat sini tahap survival sangat tinggi. and aku pun terfikir, macam mana aku boleh hidup lagi?

okay dah melalut. haha.

malam tu pergi bilik ayu. pergi ambil movies. lepas tu lepak-lepak. just cakap-cakap. duk mengadu sedih kecewa bagai haha. lepas tu sementara tunggu movies siap, ayu ajak main mekap. yeayyyy. haha. lepas tu gelak sebab warna gincu tak sesuai la, tukar balik. lepas tu pakai baju itu ini, buat photoshoot. belajar pakai heels ayu kahkah. belajar pakai beanie. selfies. ayu buat aku gelak sampai aku cakap, terima kasih ayu sebab hilangkan sedih aku. lepas tu sambung gelak lagi.

lepas tu lapar. ayu buat air cicah biskut. makan atas lantai style orang bujang. entah macam mana boleh pulak sama-sama tengok doraemon stand by me. hahaha. touching pulak masing-masing. (siapa tak tengok lagi movie ni tolong lah tengok eyyyy *nangis lagi*)

dan aku balik bilik dalam pukul 5 pagi. memang tak tidur ah. hahaha pebende la yang aku buat dengan ayu. it was nothing pun. but i left her room dengan duka yang terubat and a thought that, this too shall pass. it was nice to have someone yang stay dengan kau, even cuma buat benda-benda bodoh atau biasa bersama. dan tak peduli betapa crack nya kau pada masa tu. :')

masa dengan ayu, aku rasa macam dengan ipa. (now you know kan macam mana aku tak berdekah. dah la aku rasa macam bapuk dengan mekap lepas tu ayu duk gelakkan aku macam orang gila)

that was all. aku pun tak tahu kenapa aku tulis sebab setiap kali tulis mesti aku rasa macam urghhh, bayangan kecewa tu masih melambai, urghhh. exaggerate haha. but what i learn, pain in life is not eternal. kan? everyone knows that. we just have to wait, for times to heal everything. then it shall pass. and we will be okay. for one more day.

--thank you ayu kitty,
14062015.

if; rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

the internship

ecm kuantan--
the first movie i had ever watched with my baby girl husna munirah back then in 2014. (or 2013? haha i couldnt remember)

well, i guess it is true that we dont remember the days; we remember moments.

nay. i am her baby girl actually. kinda missing her so much.
husna, if i tumble and fell... do you think that i can pick myself back up?

kids,

the road not taken; robert frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

bambam

#sisrindu

#sistuliskenangan

universiti aku memang tak ada study week. haha. dulu pun terkejut juga sebab kat uitm dah biasa kan ada study week. kononnya macam, eh cemanaaaa nak study ni. konon. tapi sebenarnya bila dah nak dekat finals, banyak kuliah yang dah habis sebab silibus dah habis. jadi, kalau ada kelas pun, cuma satu dua dan bergantung pada lecturer. so, tak ada study week tu bukan macam big deal sangat la kan sebab macam sama je. haaa gittew. jadi sesiapa yang nak masuk uum jangan takut jangan gentar ayuh! #sispromote 

okay so, aku lari balik selasa malam. sebab selasa paling last settle down semua. exam mula ahad minggu depan. jadi aku balik selasa-jumaat. tapi kali tu memang balik dengan buku. nak tak nak, sobs.

sebab?

aku dah tak tahan.

aku kena jumpa keluarga aku sebab mereka je escapism aku.

dan haruslah jugak sebab si gendut ni.

engkau dah la cuti tak serupa orang. lepas tu balik malaysia masa orang semua tengah busy nak bergelut dengan final exam. engkau pulak balik sana tak sempat nak tunggu orang habiskan final exam. ish, aku pangggg jugak kasi kurus. 

rabu tu mereput dulu kat rumah. haha. tuhan je yang tahu makna baiti jannati bagi aku. *nangis* pagi khamis tu jumpa. pagi jumaat jumpa. petang jumaat jumpa. nasib baik bas malam tu pukul 1130 malam. haaa, memang asyik ulang alik rumah si gendut ni lah. nasib baik sayang. nasib baik jiran. *loveisintheair*

it has been seven years sayang. wow serius? haha. kan. lama kan. relationship kita pun tak mudah. waktu sekolah, gaduh dengan baik sama banyak hahahaha. konflik situ konflik sini. tapi tetap tak boleh pisah. bila dah habis spm, baru tak gaduh. boleh kira dengan jari kan? eh ke memang tak gaduh langsung? haha inilah namanya bila dah jauh tiada di sisi baru nak sedar diri. sobs.

bila dia dah tinggalkan malaysia, makin melampau pula. facebook lah, tango lah, whatsapp lah, call lah... tahap keromantikan melampau.

mungkin sebab lagi jauh.

ini namanya jauh tapi dekat.

haaa itulah, dulu kemain ya bila sama-sama asyik gaduh je. kan bila dah besar dah tahu kita dah berbeza jalan, baru rasa ya allah... bagi aku masa lagi untuk sama-sama ada. *nangis lagi*

i miss you gendut. cepat balik akhir tahun ni. insyaallah aku try balik sama masa weekend. mana boleh tak balik kan bestfriend kahwin! hahaha. satu je, balik dengan kekurusan okay. oh! oh! dan bersama unta aku. terima kasih sayang. *cubit pipi*

you owe me an explanation, my long lost friend

i dont realize that i am traumatized. those silly things keep haunting me like forever. i want to start a new life, but everytime i am trying to, all the past moments keep flashing back and spread into my head.

then i am scared.

for moments like that could reappear even not with the same person. i am done of being hurted. even the only thing left is the scar, it still hurts.

no, it doesnt hurt because i cannot move on. it only hurts because all the promises break down and the feeling of being dumped away, no, not being dumped but merely being easily forgot.... is a nightmare.

you know you dont love anyone more when you no longer care. no, i dont love you nor like you. i dont hate you either.

but like a ghost who lost her soul, she will always wandering around the earth while wonder, how could you be just fine? 

you owe me that explanation all this while. then, i am done.

it is kind of an unanswerable question.

but god, why?

why this is unfair.

you heal the other side's but not mine?

do i also have the right live with a beautiful daydream? and to start a new chapter in life?

but it feels that i couldnt bear the fear that already grow for years. i am trying hard to rip it off but.... yeah.

now tell me, what should i do to live without fear of being scattered like you? c'mon. dont you think i deserve to bump into the other rainbows after living under this hurricane? 

amnesia 5sos

It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

like a fool

would it make you feel better, to watch me while i bleed?

how come i cannot totally forget you? i keep telling myself that i have moving on. i know that i already move on. even i insist myself to give another chance to another people.

but why?

like a fool, i am tangled with all the stupid memories.
like a fool, i try hard to heal all the crazy heartaches.
like a fool, i am hoping that i have amnesia because i cannot escape.
like a fool, i gather and glue all the pieces of my broken heart.

how could you be fine?

i wish i could wake up with amnesia. and forget about these stupid little things.

you are the winner.
you build me.
you destroy me.

and i scatter, falling down to earth. yes, i keep trying to fly high. somehow the curse doesnt really blow through the wind.

and i keep reminding myself, i am fine.
this is not a dream. i would be fine. i am totally fine.

you beach, i hate you.
i really hate you.

dont haunt me.
isnt it enough to let me die? *cries*

logik

cakap kat mama, nak kahwen umur 28.
mama cakap, okay.

haha. nak habiskan degree. nak buat chambering. nak buat dip. shariah law. nak buat master. tingginya angan-angan. yang first year degree nak habiskan pun semput bukan main.

entahlah.

pernah tanya amie masa kat kuanta , amie ada ke orang yang sayang kita macam mana dia sayang diri dia sendiri? amie macam mana seseorang itu boleh sayang kita lebih dari dia sayang diri dia sendiri?

amie cakap, ada. jodoh.

tapi macam tak logik kan?
memang tak logik.

bila diheret pokjak & mekpa

last paper. business accounting. memang barai hancur rabak hahaha dah la tido sejam je malam sebelum exam kalau tahu macam ni, baik tido lama-lama. fuh.

lepas tu petang tu mula la diganggu oleh manusia gila dua orang ni. sebab aku ter-silent-kan phone dan wifi tak ada, memang banyak lah missed calls. lepas tu bila aku angkat, terus kena herdik hahahahaha gila punya kawan. membebel je kerja. ijak paksa aku siap jugak sebab epa dah bercekak pinggang tunggu aku. okay fine. fineeeeee.

ijak unimap. epa ipg. aku uum. agak dekat la walaupun kedah perlis. alah, seberang tanah je. bila ijak ambil aku dia bebel bebel bebel camni ah kawan sekolah memang perangai lama tak hilang asyik bertekak je. haha sebab aku masuk kereta pun bebel bebel marah marah bukannya nak bagi aku tido bla bla bla haha tudung pun pakai selempang je memang tahap terpaksa kahkah. bila pergi ambil mekpa memang haha agak-agak macam orang gila je yang ada dalam kereta.

nak sangat buka puasa sama-sama kan? haaaa. kitorang pergi makan kat kedai biasa je. pastu mengada nak coolblog la eskrem la cake la. tapi diorang tak layan permintaan coolblog aku. dasar.

lepas iftar apa semua, pergi makan eskrem lepas tu makan cake lepas tu lepak kat kuala perlis. lain betul pantai perlis dengan pantai terengganu hahaha. i cannot brain this hewhew.

walaupun penat gila, tapi malam tu rasa macam i was at my happiest moment. aku tak tahu la berapa banyak aku kena sumpah seranah dengan diorang sebab tunjuk perangai bodoh aku hahaha.

"bodo la hoooo"

"qa, simpan sikit bodo tu"

"jangan duk tunjuk gak bodo tu"

hahahaha it was fun. lama tak rasa macam ni. kimia kawan sekolah ni dia macam lain sikit. mungkin sebab back then kita masih hingusan membesar sama-sama buat kerja bodoh etc so walaupun lama tak jumpa after months tapi bila jumpa, it was like, tak ada apa yang berubah.

dan semestinya, bodoh yang selama ni simpan terus keluar tahap tak ingat dunia. setan betul. rindunya.

ahahahaha.
27062015.

nak nangis jap sebab tak sangka bahagia macam ni bila boleh jadi 'iqa'. yeah, iqa dengan izz tak sama rupanya. all this while, izz was so strong like she was really strong in handling life. sebab iqa takde. nah, bila perangai iqa datang... masuk kereta pun mengamuk dulu sebab kalau bukan sebab korang, aku boleh tido woiiii!!!! hahaha not la literally mengamuk hahahaha if you knew me. :')

gendut gendut, mekqa had fun! somehow pretending to be strong could harm. thank you for the escapism. i could be the real me, like seriously, the real one hahahahaha even sekejap. i miss nak buat perangai budak like how i used to. you guys came. then i acted so. the best part was- sep mu layan aku macam ore gilo hahaha siap wi aku eskrem lagi sambil ngepek pot pet pot pet. so what? :)

blank space ts

nice to meet you, where you been?
i could show you incredible things
magic, madness, heaven, sin
saw you there and I thought 
oh my god, look at that face
you look like my next mistake
love's a game, wanna play?