Saturday, February 27, 2016

#copthorneorchid





  "For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a right wing and a left wing: for the wing of love there is anger; for the wing of destiny there is fear; for the wing of pain there is healing; for the wing of hurt there is forgiveness; for the wing of pride there is humility; for the wing of giving there is taking; for the wing of tears there is joy; for the wing of rejection there is acceptance; for the wing of judgment there is grace; for the wing of honor there is shame; for the wing of letting go there is the wing of keeping.

    We can only fly with two wings and two wings can only stay in the air if there is a balance. Two beautiful wings is perfection. There is a generation of people who idealize perfection as the existence of only one of these wings every time. But I see that a bird with one wing is imperfect. An angel with one wing is imperfect. A butterfly with one wing is dead. So this generation of people strive to always cut off the other wing in the hopes of embodying their ideal of perfection, and in doing so, have created a crippled race." 

       - C. JoyBell C.


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

tough


that moment when you are feeling so stress but you can do nothing and you just feel like crying a river for no reason but actually you wanna cry because everything is a mess and yes, you are a keeper because you cannot simply tell what you feel because you dont know what and how or maybe you know you actually dont have anyone so you become sadder but you must get tough then you end up sleeping.

because life is tough.

.
.
.

but tough people are tougher.
so be tough, girl.


Monday, February 22, 2016

hari pertama persekolahan


dah dua hari persekolahan semester empat bermula. tapi gaya dan tekanannya dah macam di akhir semester! *menangis bersungguh-sungguh*

pagi sabtu touch down di negeri jelapang padi haha touch down la sangat dengan bas. empat semester, empat kali juga dah tukar bilik ahahaha gigih la nak mengemas daripada kosong. malamnya, siapkan kertas kerja untuk kolej sebab hari ini semua dah nak kena bentang pada majlis. ya tuhan.

ahadnya kelas pagi sangat. pagi sangat ke kalau 8.30? hahaha dasar pelajar rajin. kelas pulak habis petang. tapi, ya tuhan, memang hari pertama persekolahan yang entah, tak tahu cakap apa.

dengan kejutan dr seeni tak mengajar tort lagi dah
dengan turun naik pejabat school pasal kelas
dengan drama dengan madam aspalella tercinta *sebab menangis bersungguh-sungguh*

malam pulak meeting sampai midnight lepas tu sambung buat kertas kerja dengan budak-budak ni sampai bila dah lebih pukul 2 pagi, wanfath halau aku pulang sebab muka dah macam zombie haha lepastu blur lepastu cannot brain anything dah sebab urghhh i just need to sleep tapi kena jugak siapkan benda ni. bayangkan baru je masuk semester tapi dah kalu macam ni T_T

ni belum lagi mula belajar betul-betul huwaaaa

and it will go on until letak jawatan la kot. ya tuhan, why did i apply for this last semester? hahaha *menangis lagi*

dr seeni and madam aspalella were really touching my heart..
but i will jot it down later on.

T_T

TOUGH TIMES DO NOT LAST
TOUGH PEOPLE DO





Monday, February 15, 2016

#perempuan


seumur hidup, seumur hidup aku tak pernah lagi aku beli lipstick harga berbelas apatah lagi berpuluh ringgit. paling mahal pun lapan ringgit. hahaha. itupun jarang pakai sebab payah nak tanggal sebab kelas setiap hari kebanyakan lepas zuhur. renyah. 

tapi selalu kena bebel dengan kawan-kawan aku, please la act like a girl. please la izz. (tutup telinga)

tapi perempuan kan, 
nama pun perempuan..

tetiba hari ni terbeli lipstick matte revlon yang harga rm 3+ hahahahahhahaha woi apa yang kau buat ni?! pink pula tu. tapi aku suka sebab mudah je tanggal tak payah nak renyah hahaha jadi kiranya pejam mata je bayar i dont know hahah what the fish tapi tak apalah, sebab selalunya kalau aku pakai lipstick mesti bebudak kata macam pondan urghhh aku pun rasa macam tu tapi haaaaa yang ni diorang cakap macam perempuan k macam perempuan.

hahahahhaa. yeayy iols perempuan.


*cause baby youre fireworks*

 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

seketika


duduk
aku hala mata
jauh ke depan sana
ombak sedang menari
di bawah langit yang biru
dengan lagu tersendiri

bangun
aku menapak hampir
selangkah demi selangkah
separa aku sudah tenggelam
pasir menyelimuti setiap inci
rimas tapi nyaman
dengan renyah yang senang

diam
air menumbuk jatuh
aku diam kejung
tarik sahaja semua sakit dan perit
bawa pergi ke hujung dunia
biar tak ada apa tinggal
dengan aku begini

dan
untuk seketika
biar aku aman
sebegini cara aku
sampai seketika
yang aku mahu

biar
biar sahaja biar
biar sahaja
biar


Friday, February 12, 2016

مدرستي


rasa nak sekolah balik. biarlah sakit hati ke renyah ke menyampah ke dengan peraturan, rela. aku rela.

aku rela pagi-pagi bawak quran walaupun dulu pengawas asyik denda aku berdiri sebab malas nak bawak

aku rela masa rehat ikut cna pergi surau dhuha walaupun dulu tengok mood ah kalau rasa rajin ikut

aku rela solat zuhur dengan hajat jemaah walaupun dulu kadang-kadang rasa gak aaa tak boleh ke solat sorang-sorang je surau dah la panas (lempang diri sendiri)

aku rela belajar arab, syariah islamiah, quran sunnah walaupun dulu asyik nak pejam mata je dalam kelas lepastu tak buat kerja sekolah

aku rela kena marah kena bebel kena perli kena denda dengan cikgu walaupun dulu macam ahahah lambatnya nak tinggal sekolah (kadang-kadang je sebab cikgu-cikgu aku semua macam malaikat)

aku rela benda yang dulu tak berapa nak rela sangat

sebab aku rela diikat dengan tali yang buat aku macam arghhh tapi sebenarnya beri aku arah tuju dalam hidup daripada dibiar tak bertali langsung sampai harus menerawang sendiri mencari arah tuju yang bersimpang siur pada pandangan mata

patutlah dulu lima tahun asyik kena ceramah je tentang pentingnya biah soleh (ye ke term ni? tengok teruknya) persekitaran yang baik yang soleh yang bagus

penting. memang penting

dulu ingat tak apaaa, yang penting diri sendiri (konon)

sekarang baru tahu macam mana peritnya, kan? susah nak hidup. sampai tiap kali kalau jalan-jalan kat sekolah, "cikgu... nak sekolah balik."

dan cikgu akan senyum, "haaaa. kan dah kata."

dah empat tahun cikgu. dah empat tahun survive tak bertali. tapi lima tahun saya membesar di sekolah dengan segala pahit manis perit bahagia pengajaran hidup yang saya dapat, itulah pedoman saya cikgu.

dengan sisa itulah saya teruskan hidup cikgu. adakala saya tersasar jugak, saya hidup macam saya lupa cikgu. tapi saya cuba tetapkan diri saya balik. susah cikgu. cikgu tak boleh bayangkan macam mana teruknya saya battle dengan diri saya sendiri sorang-sorang. tapi dengan setiap apa yang terdahulu, saya cuba teruskan. perlahan-lahan.

cikgu, saya rindu cikgu.
cikgu, saya rindu sekolah saya.

madrasah assanawiyah alwataniyyah addiniyyah nurul ittifaq (penting k hafal dari form 1 nak tulis karangan arab haha macam mana lah tak rindu)


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

angin bilang


tangan aku paku pada ruang jendela
aku tenung dan renung ke luar
dalam-dalam juga lama-lama
tinggi langit yang jauh
angin menampar lamunan aku,
"sudahlah. barang sudah berakhir."

aku diam
angin marah sama aku
dibilangnya aku bodoh dan kasihan
belajar tinggi-tinggi tapi tak reti berfikir
selalu ikut angan dan perasaan
tak logik juga tak mungkin

angin menumbuk lagi,
"seharusnya engkau yang menang."

aku biar lagi angin menolak-nolak pipi aku,
"angin, engkau apa tahu?"

aku katup jendela cepat-cepat
angin biadap
padahal angin cuma sipi mengenal aku tiap kali aku hadapkan muka ke jendela
tidak lebih dari itu
tapi bicaranya kasar dan seperti tahu

aku menyampah dengan angin
tapi angin ada betulnya
apa benar aku memang bodoh dan kasihan?

dari kepala katil aku toleh ke jendela
angin masih mengetuk-ngetuk cermin
aku renung lagi sampai kosong
nafas yang panjang dihela,
"memang seharusnya aku yang menang."


Sunday, February 7, 2016

Thursday, February 4, 2016

bintang







maybe i just should go back to kedah and live well there. hahaha. tak boleh lah duduk rumah jadi suri rumah tangga main dengan kucing keluar sekali sekala dengan kawan dan begitulah setiap hari. i need to be busy. i have to. or else i will go crazy in no time. because i keep thinking of unncessary stupid little things that never fail wandering around my mind.

HEY STOP OPENING THE MEMORIES! SHUT IT DOWN.

god, what a life.
(smile) (because i still breath and everyone loves me) (just pretend that 'everyone')


* * * * * *


np; inspirasi // hafiz ft faizal tahir (yes, it is me singing for myself)

INSPIRASI TETAP TEGUH BERDIRI
DALAM GELAP KAU TETAP MENYINARI
HANYA SATU PERSONA TIADA GANTI
ENGKAU BINTANG KAU TETAP MENYINARI
OH ENGKAU BINTANG KAU TETAP MENYINARI

(i am my own knight in shining armour)

yes so do you. kita semua adalah bintang dalam hidup masing-masing.
jadi bintang okay? bintang...

bintang. :)




Wednesday, February 3, 2016

midnight thoughts


i was, once, a loyal dreamer. i thought i could achieve whatever i dreamt of like 1 2 3 vavavommmm yeayyy i made it after all yeayyyyy, and that was totally a complete fairytales story in books i had read.

life started to get tough when i reached sixteen, when i force myself to cope with all those nonsense matters back then. it was hard than i could ever imagine. i didnt even dream that i could go through all the upside-down because i thought i was going to be crazy.

i started to dream less. i told myself, nothing was going to become smooth. i struggled, but i still failed. then i tried again, still, nothing ever happened. but i kept myself going because god gave me people that always pushed me up whenever i stumbled and fell hard.

i didnt even dare to dream of anything. i only had my courage to stick on being a person who could study languages in university. even that one and only dream i couldnt make it real. (and now i am reading law? crying even harder)

i stopped believing in dream because it hurted even more when i couldnt make it for somewhat reason called as destiny. i just bend in myself the running flows. i kept telling myself,


"times heal"

"everythings gonna be fine"

"big girl dont cry"

"make it. fake it"


those were my comfort words so i could comfort myself everytime i gave up on situation. it seemed that i never got what i asked for and that made me always questioning why whyy whyyy?

i dwelled.
i was afraid.

*moment of silence*

but, looking back to the previous crawling, walking and running i made in order to survive on rocky road of mine (which still is),

i thought i knew my life better.
and i didnt realize..

god knew best.




ps; maybe five years ahead when i look back to the situation that i need to survive NOW, i think i will burst out laughters for all these unnecessary tears that rolling down for all these stupid little things.

i am not a fairytale dreamer any longer. i want to be a realistic dreamer. that suits my life better.

for now, i will bear in mind that time heals. be it three, five or seven years more... i know times will heal. until that, i will try hard to not keep my head over heels.

overcoming problems and surviving life like a lady! (thats my girl. *pat on my own shoulder*) (try not to cry) (sleep) (good girl) (positive) (embrace life) (yeayyy)