midnight thoughts

i was, once, a loyal dreamer. i thought i could achieve whatever i dreamt of like 1 2 3 vavavommmm yeayyy i made it after all yeayyyyy, and that was totally a complete fairytales story in books i had read.

life started to get tough when i reached sixteen, when i force myself to cope with all those nonsense matters back then. it was hard than i could ever imagine. i didnt even dream that i could go through all the upside-down because i thought i was going to be crazy.

i started to dream less. i told myself, nothing was going to become smooth. i struggled, but i still failed. then i tried again, still, nothing ever happened. but i kept myself going because god gave me people that always pushed me up whenever i stumbled and fell hard.

i didnt even dare to dream of anything. i only had my courage to stick on being a person who could study languages in university. even that one and only dream i couldnt make it real. (and now i am reading law? crying even harder)

i stopped believing in dream because it hurted even more when i couldnt make it for somewhat reason called as destiny. i just bend in myself the running flows. i kept telling myself,


"times heal"

"everythings gonna be fine"

"big girl dont cry"

"make it. fake it"


those were my comfort words so i could comfort myself everytime i gave up on situation. it seemed that i never got what i asked for and that made me always questioning why whyy whyyy?

i dwelled.
i was afraid.

*moment of silence*

but, looking back to the previous crawling, walking and running i made in order to survive on rocky road of mine (which still is),

i thought i knew my life better.
and i didnt realize..

god knew best.

ps; maybe five years ahead when i look back to the situation that i need to survive NOW, i think i will burst out laughters for all these unnecessary tears that rolling down for all these stupid little things.

i am not a fairytale dreamer any longer. i want to be a realistic dreamer. that suits my life better.

for now, i will bear in mind that time heals. be it three, five or seven years more... i know times will heal. until that, i will try hard to not keep my head over heels.

overcoming problems and surviving life like a lady! (thats my girl. *pat on my own shoulder*) (try not to cry) (sleep) (good girl) (positive) (embrace life) (yeayyy)